I used to be such a good liar. I was so good at lying that I fooled myself. Not big lies. The little ones. The lies you tell yourself to twist an event to make you look better. The lies that shine the spotlight of blame away from you, so you comfortably sit in the dark without facing your demons. I would lie to get out of hanging out with people. When someone would tell me I screwed up, I would make up stories to prove that I was not at fault. They weren't even great stories, but the words easily flowed out of my mouth, as if I'd been doing it for years.
That was the truth of it. I had been telling so many tiny lies for so many years that it became part of my narrative. Part of who I was. Then came a day when someone finally held up a mirror and it was an ugly sight. So I changed my story.
I practiced becoming better by telling small truths. It was as if I had to yank out those words with barbed wire. I couldn't believe how difficult it was to simply tell someone, "No, I do not want to hang out." Because I was a people pleaser. I would mold myself to a situation, and be what that situation or person called for.
When I paid attention to my fears and worries they all wrapped around not disappointing others. In the process, I was disappointing myself without even knowing. Not until those mirrors were held up. Not until I started holding myself accountable and owning all of my petty behaviours.
The next time someone holds up a mirror to your actions don't fight it. The next time you feel you have to change instantly because it will please that other person, realize that is not the person you are working to become. Growing up is not a bad thing. It doesn't change who you are; it simply aids in the evolution of who you are meant to be. Growing takes time and practice. Practice. Practice.
Small truths add up to incredible self reward.
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