Boundaries

I am working on a project that I hope to launch by the end of summer.  It is one of three projects that I have given myself the task of doing for the year 2019, and none of the three are linked.  What do these first statements have to do with boundaries?  Not much.   As I dive into this project and my words for 2019 of "growth" and "balance" keep reappearing, I am constantly reminded of my own boundaries.  You see, with these projects come systems that I have to create because I am no longer a party of one.  FitPOWER is now a party of 6.  A very curious, determined, and excited party of six.  With curiousity come questions about how things should be run, and while I can mentally paint this picture of how I want my business to flow, translating it to a neat handout is proving to be more difficult.  But that is why this chapter of my life exists.  Another growth spurt is about to happen, and perhaps I can share a little bit of knowledge from these last soon to be 7 years of business.  Grab a cup of vacation coffee, making sure it's exactly how you like it, no distractions in sight, and enjoy this little blog of Jess insight.

What does it mean to have a healthy boundary?

A boundary is a space or a line between you and another person, whether it be physical, mental, or emotional.  It is a clear point where you and another person end, and boundaries serve important roles in your own self care.  Healthy boundaries typically include the mental and emotional, and fall somewhere between rigid and loose.  If boundaries become too loose you may find yourself conforming to groups and/or situations too easily.  Too rigid and you may find yourself stuck in a fixed mindset due to a "wall" put up around you. 

It is also suggested that your boundaries, whether healthy, loose, or rigid, directly affect your identity.  When I saw this, something I read from Brene Brown came hurtling back into the front of my mind.  Brene states that many of us seek to belong so badly that we forget to simply be.  I know  when I stopped trying to belong my personal boundaries came into focus.  That moment is when I truly started to grow.

Many of us seek to belong so badly that we forget to simply be."

Healthy Boundaries, Self Care, and Leadership: A Love Story

I have always been attracted to leadership roles, but I have not always been a good leader.  Boundaries, or lack thereof, played a a large role in the stagnation of my identity.  A friend recently pointed out that we, meaning we as a people, seek the approval of others because we are social entities. My bravado and ego took over for a moment. A "that sounds like a personal problem" type of attitude. But then I was reminded of my own blog about how I sporadically feel like a fraud.  As I gain traction in my business the feeling of  fraud in that specific situation has since faded, but it left a mark. A reminder.  The reason it existed is because I was (and still am) growing as a coach and I knew I was entering into a larger arena with the new gym location, taking other coaches under my wing, and announcing myself as a barbell and jiu jitsu coach with her own academy in a city flooded with talent.  Luckily I have been practicing with a tool I learned about a few years back called BOUNDARIES.  No, there is no special link when you roll your cursor over the word, and invisible lines don't magically appear between you and others.  It's simply a navigation device that has helped me grow relationships, cut ties, and nurture my own sense of being.  Here are a few things I have been practicing to create strong boundaries:

1. My 1"x1" People

I took this out of a chapter by Brene Brown (is it obvious I'm a fan?).  Find a piece of paper (I used an envelope), and create a 1"x1" square.  Now write in their the names of your people. You know. The ones you'd go to battle with.  The one's who's opinions truly matter.  You don't have to share this information with anyone.  It simply exists to remind you of who's opinion you hold valuable.  Yes, you may have to edit your square from time to time, but whenever you start getting unsolicited advice grab this piece of paper and remind yourself who's voice really matters.

2. Airplane Mode

Literally and figuratively.  In the evenings I put my phone on airplane mode so I'm not waken up by texting or phone calls.  Unfortunately I use my phone as an alarm clock, and while I've tried to go the actual alarm clock route, I found myself paranoid that it would not go off for whatever reason.  ​ If you find it hard to get in contact with me on the weekends there's a good reason.  I'm ignoring you. Just kidding! Sort of. After all training is done on Saturdays I try not to talk about work in any capacity.  I love what I do, but I don't want to talk about it when its my turn to unwind.  Some people may not agree, but there is nothing so important that it cannot wait until the work week begins again. 

3. No Means No

I am a pretty firm believer that if you ask me something work related, and I tell you yes or no, I should be able to explain myself and be transparent.  However, in most cases no simply means no.  The problem with saying no isn't always the verbal part.  It's the follow through.  Make sure when you say "no" you understand why.  Your own understanding will make it easier to draw those boundary lines and stick to them.

4. Social Media

This topic is a tough one.  One of my coaches and I had an in depth conversation about social media.  I feel as our political climate heats up it gets easier to make a slip up for the world to see.  When I say "slip up" what I mean is resorting to rude behaviour online that you would never express face to face.  One, this is cowardly, and I hold no space in my gym for attitude of that nature.  Two, it reflects upon you.  If you are wondering if I watch what my clients and coaches say online, the answer is yes.  I watch how you treat other individuals, and I watch how you react to situations.  Now, do I have notifications set up every time someone makes a comment or post. No. That's creepy, and a little too Big Brother.  However, if you are a client or a coach representing my business there is a clear boundary of what I tolerate.  Hateful, ignorant, sexist, misogynist, ableist, homo/trans/xenophobias, racist, etc, comments of any sort are a red flag, and I have no problem cutting ties.

Vulnerability is the feeling we get when we are faced with uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure."

​~Brene Brown

The Leadership Part

While I grow into my new roles my leadership has to evolve, as well.  I have done a lot of reading on the roles of people in leadership and the best teams seem to have a clear, open, safe space to engage in new ideas and express concerns.  This space is free of judgement, unsolicited advise, interrupting, and sharing outside of the group.  This is something I practice in my own home, and in my gym.  In order for these spaces to exist there must be a strong foundation of trust.  Trust comes from being truthful and courageous.  To be courageous is to be vulnerable, and none of these traits display weakness.

Being vulnerable is hard.  I will never tell you otherwise.  Here are a few things I am practicing to become a better leader:

1. Admitting to and owning my mistakes.
2. Seeking first to understand before trying to be understood.
3. Learning what my team needs from me.  What does "support" look like to them.
4. Sticking to my boundaries.  It's a lifelong practice.  People will try to cross lines.  Even you will try to cross lines. Trust comes from knowing and respecting your boundaries and the boundaries of others.
5. No white lies.  To myself or to others.  Sometimes a situation can't be made better, and that is ok.

It's very hard to have ideas.  It's very hard to put yourself out there, it's very hard to be vulnerable, but those people who do that are the dreamers, the thinkers, and the creators.  They are the magic people of the world."
​
~Amy Poehler

References:

Dare to Lead by Brene Brown
Rising Strong by Brene Brown
A Good Time to be a Girl by Helena Morrissey